My Thoughts

After Mamma died my uncle invited everyone back to this house that he kicked my Grandmother out of, I looked at everyone and it didn't appear as if the head of our family had just passed away. The reason I say this is because it became like a party. For some odd reason a time of sorrow turned into another one of my Uncle's parties. I couldn't stand it and I left. The entire time I was very strong. I cried just a bit but nothing like my mom had cried. Later that night I went to the store and got myself a 40-ounce old E. I took a drink, then another, then another and then I put my drink down. I put my head down. All of sudden it all came out. It hit me that I wouldn't see Mamma anymore. I kept crying over and over. My wife came to me and gave me a big hug. I couldn't stop crying. I was so strong during the day but at home it hurt so bad.

My wife went to bed and I continued to cry saying Mamma. I jumped into bed crying while my wife held me. She was such a special woman. I mentioned that I wondered if she loved me. Well, I guess she did. When Jesse was born AKA trinidad/skullnbones she was the only one out of the family that came to see him and see him when he came home. Even purchased him a blanket that we still have till this very day. Yeah she loved me. I guess the reason I thought she didn't is because it just felt like it because she was very strict. I didn't realize that she was just trying to keep me out of trouble. Most kids don't understand why parents do certain things but it becomes clear when they have their own kids.

I think that if she was alive today that our family would be more together than it is today. Sure, I know some will say that she is looking down from heaven but I don't believe in that. How could I say that? Because my belief in the bible that clearly states that the dead are conscious of nothing at all. It mentions that in Ecclesiastes 9:5. So I will call Mamma just what she is now, sleeping in death waiting for that moment to awaken. Yes I know it's hard to believe but tell me this for those who believe in God in the first place. I can call you crazy for believing in the same invisible man in the sky who you have never seen and if you did see him, here is the number for my Doctor when I tried to commit suicide. He helped me.

Just a bit more on this in case you still have doubts. There is a scripture in the book of John. I think it's John chapter 5 verse 28 and 29 where it states that all those in the tombs (or graves meaning those that are dead) will return to life. Go ahead and look it up. Can't get any clearer than that. I can discuss what I believe in later but I do hope that one day I will see not only my Father again but my Grandmother. My Mamma. Now as mentioned, I only have my mother left. She getting older, getting sick all the time, and hurting from her bones. For about a year my mom was homeless. She was living in a place that did not have electricity, food, or hot water. She was living in an abandoned house. I did not know this till later. I guess she was to proud to say anything. When I found out, I felt very bad for her and wanted to do what I can to help. So my search was on to find her a place. She didn't get this way by accident.

According to my sisters kids who stayed with my mom, my little brother kicked her out and my mom contacted my sister who wasn't doing well herself, to ask if she can stay with her. After all my mom did have her kids. OH you might wonder at this point. Hold on DYCE. How did your mom get kicked out, when did she move in with your grandmother? Before my Grandmother ended up in a home, my Grandmother moved in with my mom. She lived on 19th & Capp. It's a great area to get all your illegal things met if you are into Heroin, Hookers, Weed, Cocaine, well you name it you can get it. It didn't help that there was shootings almost every night because of 13th Street. Blue rags from LA that came down to SF.

My Brother stayed with my mom at the time but he met this Girl and moved in with her. They had a place out in Emeryville. The place was big and was nice. Where my mom stayed, she paid very little rent and I'm guessing she was there for more than 5 years. It was comfortable for her. Somehow my brother convinced my mom to move in with him so my sisters kids can be in a better area. Most of us saw the red flags but she agreed. I helped move her in one weekend. During the week my mom called me crying because she said that my brother wouldn't even allow her to hang a picture on the wall. The got into over that and my brother had to be the man of the house. Mom Cried the second day she moved in. Then I remember the call I received from her crying like crazy. Jesus (my little brother) told me to get the F word out. He kicked her out. She didn't know what to do or where to go. That's when she called my sister who lived on a street called Eddy.

My brother threw his own mother out on the street. If it wasn't for my sister my mom would have moved in with me and my mom and I don't get along if we are in the same house. Apart we get along great but my mom always treated my wife like Dirt which reminds me of the time where I screamed at my mom for mistreating my wife. This was before my brother kicked her out. I'll talk about that later. The very next Saturday, I moved my mom out. I was very pissed at my brother. I just moved her in one week ago and now moving her out. I didn't speak with my brother and he had the nerve to show up while we were moving her out. What nerve.

Anyway, my mom ended up on Eddy street which wasn't an improvement over 19th and capp. It was worse. If you went out at night around eddy, there is a good chance you will get mugged. So she moved in with my sister. My Sister who was already a drug addict, selling herself, and sleeping with who knows at times would bring men and even woman back to where my mom was staying to sleep with them. She didn't care. Good thing there was two rooms, bad thing the rooms were side by side so you can hear everything in the next room. Keep in mind that her kids were in the next room. I couldn't make love to my wife if my mom was in the next room awake. It would feel strange.

My mom had no choice but to stay with her. My brother Jesus stayed in his house for a bit then moved to Hawaii where his is now. My brother doesn't or should I say hasn't spoken to my mom since that happened. It's been more than 5 years. Today I spoke to my mother who found out that he came down to visit his stepfather. Didn't even bother to see any of us or my kids. OH well, I guess I don't have a little brother anymore. I haven't spoken to him in I think 2 years now. I did call and try but nothing so I quit. I met him half way, he didn't meet me the other half. When my Grandmother died, he did come but he refused to talk to my mom or patch it up. My mom was hurting and he didn't care. Didn't even hug her to tell her it's ok. To much pride. I tell you some people in this world need a butt kicking and need to eat a piece of humble pie.

It doesn't hurt to say sorry or forgive someone for a mistake. My mom is willing to open her arms to him but he doesn't want anything to do with her. I told my wife that my mom is all that I have left. I have helped my mom find a place. I have helped my mom with money. I'm helping her furnish her place. I'm purchasing a washer and dryer for her. She is all I have left in terms of parents. Screw my brother for missing out on her last years. My mom said that if she died, she doesn't want him coming to see her in the coffin and if he shows, I will ask him to leave. I wish it wasn't this way but it is. We have a screwed up family. My sister did take her in but how did she end up homeless in that abandoned bldg? I have so much more to say.....Till tomorrow, this is my thoughts...