My Thoughts Part 3

The only vision I had in my head was seeing my father in the coffin. I knew that it would break me. I felt that my only way out was to take care of all the pain I was feeling. I have never been afraid of death. Death already tried to take me when I was born. He didn't win. I know sooner or later that fight will end with him winning but I was ready to give in. I was ready to give it all up.

Life for me was nothing but pain. The fact that I lost most of my memory, retained only the bad memories, and the recent death of my father and the constant beatings received from my mother I HAD ENOUGH. It was time to end it. Nobody was home that day. Everyone went out. I was listening to music and writing down on paper what everyone should have after I was dead. I didn't know where they went or how long they would be gone but I know today was the day that it would end or so I thought it would be.

After I was done writing, I walked to the kitchen and poured some orange juice in a glass. I poured it half way. The other half was with Pine-Sol and some other cleaning products that I thought would kill me. I placed it in the freezer. I wanted it nice and cold and would return to drink it within 15 minutes. I left home to gather my thoughts and purchase some Alcohol. Yes I was young but buying Alcohol was as easy and writing a note saying your mom sent you. When I left the store I opened the can of beer and drank it on the way home. The entire time I only thought of my father and my pain. It was over

I returned home ready to die but when I opened the door, my mother was vomiting blood. She drank what I put in the freezer. My sister who went with my mother was screaming. My little Brother couldn't understand what was going on. My older brother was crying. I knew what happened. My mother purchased frozen food and was placing it in the freezer. She saw what she thought was only Orange Juice. She drank it to make space or whatever and she took what was meant for me. I watched her bleed and felt so sorry for what happened but I did not want to say anything. The Ambulance came and took her to the hospital.

They pumped her stomach till she was stable. After a few hours I came into the room crying. I was in so much pain. I couldn't even kill myself correctly!! I walked into the room and sat right beside her. I told her Mom, I have to tell you something. She couldn't say anything because of the tubes she had everywhere. Mom, the juice was meant for me. I'm so sorry mom. I wanted to die. Please forgive me. Two things happened after that event. One she never hit me again. No more beatings. Two - she told the entire family that I tried to kill her.

I was taken away to a hospital that evaluate my condition. I stayed there for less than a week which was amazing. I told them that I am going to kill myself. It didn't matter. Nobody listened, not even my mother. Things were different but the pain was still there. I didn't attempt suicide for another few months. This time I had a Razor....

More on this later.....